Ok, I am sitting here and watching South Park, drinking a nice glass of wine, and revising my treatment…again…

I showed it to my boss and friend Jim Ferolo and he came back with a few suggestions. Mainly that my main characters motivation for his actions later on in the piece were pretty vague. Which sucks because its SO important to the story that the audience gets whats going on in the mind of the Man right away.

It is absolutely necessary to get this moment right in the film. And its tough, because conveying to the audience that the main character wishes to be left alone is more difficult than it sounds. I had been using his interaction with the waiter as the moment to reveal this character trait to the audience but its a brief moment that can easily be missed, miss-read, or simply ignored. Whats more, It’s a moment that relies so heavily on subtle and well-executed animation, that its really quite scary to consider the consequences should I get that moment wrong.

So, to solve these problems and solidify the Man’s desire to be left alone I needed to re-write a couple of the characters introductions a bit. I needed to give the Man an opportunity to engage in a conversation. An opportunity which he so rudely chooses to ignore. Which lead me to re-consider how I am introducing the Old Woman.

Before I made the change, The two key characters introductions read like this:

A man sits alone in front of a small bistro reading a newspaper and enjoying a fine glass of wine. He is thin and smartly dressed wearing a nice brown suit. A handkerchief is carefully folded and placed neatly in his breast pocket. He is relaxed and there is a smile on his face, yet his heavy eyes are tired from stress. He is enjoying the calm, fresh air and the quiet afternoon. Clearly he would rather be left alone.

Sitting at another table just behind the Man is an Old Woman. She has a small birdcage containing a little red bird placed on the table in front of her. She is smiling and talking quietly to the bird as she carefully sips soup from a bowl placed in-between the two of them.

Abruptly, an overweight waiter bursts through the front door of the restaurant carrying a plate with a sandwich and a glass of wine. The waiter walks to the Man’s table and places the food down in front of him. The Man, delighted to see his food has arrived, folds his paper carefully and tucks a napkin into his collar.

“Will there be anything else sir?” The waiter asks politely. The Man waves his hand in dismissal, and the waiter bows slightly and walks away.

Having made the adjustments, The introductions now reads like this:

A man sits alone in front of a small bistro reading a newspaper and enjoying a fine glass of wine. He is thin and smartly dressed wearing a nice brown suit. A handkerchief is carefully folded and placed neatly in his breast pocket. He is relaxed and there is a smile on his face, yet his heavy eyes are tired from stress. He is enjoying the calm, fresh air and the quiet afternoon.

The Man looks up from his paper for a brief moment and realizes that he is being watched.

Sitting at a table just across from the Man is an Old Woman. She has a small birdcage containing a little red bird placed on the table in front of her. She is smiling and looking up at him.

“Bonjour!” she says and with a pleasant grin on her face. The man does not respond. Instead, he returns to his paper, lifting it higher in front of his face to block her from his view.

The Old Woman, put off by the Mans reaction to her, shoots him a dirty look. She then turns to the little bird in the cage and begins talking quietly to it as she carefully sips soup from a bowl placed in-between the two of them.

Abruptly, an overweight waiter bursts through the front door of the restaurant carrying a plate with a sandwich and a glass of wine. The waiter walks to the Man’s table and places the food down in front of him. The Man, delighted to see his food has arrived, folds his paper carefully and tucks a napkin into his collar.

“Will there be anything else sir?” The waiter asks politely. The man waves his hand in dismissal, and the waiter bows slightly and walks away.

Making these changes have not only strongly established my main character, but it has also given me the added benefit of strengthening the Old Woman and giving her a more important role in the film, which is great because it gives her final moment a bit more spice which I am sure the audience will appreciate.

So the point of this fairly long posting is as follows: You need to set your characters up before you knock them down. Spend time with your script. Serious time. Hours of serious time. Seperate yoursef from your story a bit and approach it as if you were an audience member seeing the material for the first time. Ask yourself, “Does this make sense from the beginning, to the middle, to the end? Do the characters feel like they are acting and reacting in a way that is consistent with their personalities?”

And most importantly, show your script to others who might be able to point out the obvious to you. It is good to have confidence in your work, but as tight as you think your script is, there is always something to be done that can make it better.